Clichéd, I kNow…buT iT’s mY LiFe aNd I LOvE it!!!

Side Effects!

2011-11-26T10:33:00.000-08:00

Of what? Being a dedicated student… that’s what!

And what happens? You start getting lazier, reaching late for lectures, procrastinating work, give a damn about notes, shabbily done projects and the worst of all, the board exams don’t feel like exams at all. Instead of studying, you are reading Dan Brown books, playing “bat-ball” with your 2-year-old nephew and watching movies back to back from 7pm to 3am on HBO and then go for an exam the next day at 2pm (which scarily go well and you feel like it was the easiest paper ever.)

I don’t think it happens to everyone or anyone for that matter. Maybe it’s just me. But I’ve realized the errors of my ways. Not that I regret them… I am who I am today because of my principles but really… two years of utmost dedication in a course like BMM exhausts the life out of you. And then, nothing affects you. Quite literally. No amount of workload or project deadlines can make you get up from your sleep to finish the work. But strangely enough, on the day of the submission, you have your project ready in hand for submission and you don’t quite understand how and when you finished it. My senior calls it being “BMM-Proof”… I love the term! :D

I sincerely hope the others have it better than me. And by the others I mean, all those who never took FY and SY seriously… they just have to work hard for one year right? Just four months more to go. That makes me all nostalgic and sad… :(

Hmm… I was hoping to write more, but I don’t want to write rubbish.

So, until next time… bye-bye!

Concentration

2011-06-27T12:06:00.001-07:00

I’m sitting on my bed, staring at the cursor blink, but I just cannot bring myself to start writing my assignment. Why? Don’t ask me… if I knew, I’d be working on my assignment and not writing this blog entry.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, not that I usually don’t but its different this time. I’m seriously thinking this time… about the future, about life. Without even realizing, 1/4th of my life has already gone by. I’ll be 20 soon. No more a teenager equals to no more a child. I’m expected to suddenly to grow up overnight, start dressing maturely and talk like an adult, like a responsible person… but honestly, that’s not me. I think even at the age of 50 I’d be more comfortable wearing jeans and t-shirt and talking of childish fantasies with my grandkids. I don’t think I’m ever going to fit in the adult world. No wonder the rate of clinically depressed adults have increased. They lose their identity while trying to fit into society.

But that’s beside the point. What I was really thinking of is this – in the next nine months of so I’ll graduate from college. No more early morning lectures, no more late nights preparing for festivals, no more last minute assignments, no more weird professors, no more class politics or gossip… so what next?

Graduate, get a job and face the real world? I don’t think I’m prepared for that. This may sound really lame but I’m honestly scared. I don’t know what to do… how to go about doing things. I wish this life as a student never ended but I know it’s not possible. I may be a dreamer but I can see thing realistically too if I want to. I know I have to look beyond my classroom, and chase my dreams but do I have the courage to do that? Even though I act calm and confident, I’ll admit I’m terrified! I just hope I’m making all the right decisions. I don’t know if I can ever achieve my dream and that is what scares me the most.

Life is so confusing right now. Everything just seems so… huge!

I can’t even keep track of all the things I’ve thought of, all the things people have said. I just, I don’t know… I think I’m only confused and extremely de-moralized right now. I hope to overcome this but really, with this stupid writer’s block since the last two months… I cannot help but doubt myself. Am I really the writer I think I am? Or am I just fooling myself? How hard can it be to come up with a short original story? Really! More than anything I think I’m extremely annoyed with myself right now! Maybe that’s why I’ve been having these thoughts

I thought ranting might help, but it hasn’t this time. So I’ll just go to sleep I suppose. Get up really early and finish my assignment then. I’m supposed to submit this tomorrow, well today seeing that it is 12 midnight already.

So yeah… pretty much a pointless entry. The reason why it’s called ‘concentration’ is because I couldn’t concentrate at all. That may also be the reason of all these disjointed thoughts, jumping from one place to another.

I’ll just get going now… I hope I’ll get inspired soon. Bye-bye

I'm Coming Home

2011-06-03T08:16:00.000-07:00

I’m Coming Home

I’m Coming Home

Tell the World I’m Coming Home

I looked to the side. The view from the window was one of just the vast blue oceans till my eyes could see. I wished I could be there, in the water, in the unknown. Being lost was better than- No. No, I will not think about that, not anymore.

A lone tear slid to my cheek. I wiped it away quickly and quietly and gazed outside again. I felt my eyelids going heavy and then, complete darkness.

“Look at this one!”

“But maybe… he isn’t all that- … … -to her”

“Ma’am, please ma’am”

“No”

“Leave her alone! She didn’t –”

“Too much noise (laughter). Quiet everyone!”

“Safe…”

“Another round? (laughter)”

“Seat belt. Ma’am! Wake up Ma’am!”

“YUKI!!!”

“Ma’am! Ma’am! Ma’am! Ma’am!”

I woke up with a start. The air hostess was tapping me and asking me to put my seat belt since we would be landing in some time.

I looked out of the window again. This time I could see the mountain peaks and the green forests and the city. The huge towers, the flyovers, the cars; all looking so small and tiny; something I could crush with my little thumb. I felt an odd sense of shock running through my body at that thought. I squeezed my eyes shut and pushed those painful thoughts away. My chest constricted in a way that I wanted to scream. But I held back that feeling.

The plane suddenly dipped low and I felt sick in my stomach. I could see the huge runway. The aircraft was losing height. As the land came closer, my uneasiness grew. My heart was beating so fast, I swear I was getting an attack. And that might actually have been a good thing but since I was on a one way trip to penance, death wouldn’t come so easily. It usually doesn’t.

I was so confident last night when I boarded the plane but now that I was so close to home, I didn’t think I could do it anymore.

But Dad said everything was fine, that mom and Takumi and… Lily, all of them were waiting for me to come back. He said Lily didn’t hate me anymore. He said they’d all forgiven me. Still, I couldn’t help but feel weird. And what would I do if I meet any of my old friends? What would I say? Have they forgiven me? Do they even consider me as a friend still? And Tsubasaa…

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. The last few minutes of silence and then, I’ll face whatever awaits me.

“I’m going home” I kept repeating to myself.

Home, it’s a place that makes you feel warm and safe and welcome. Then why was I dreading it?

I’m Coming Home

I’m Coming Home

Tell the World I’m Coming Home

Let the Rain

Wash Away

All the Pain of Yesterday

I Know My Kingdom Awaits

And they’ve Forgiven My Mistakes

I’m Coming Home

I’m Coming Home

Tell the World I’m Coming Home

PS: This was supposed to the begining of a multi-chaptered story... I was inspired by the song and wrote this and went back to it after a few days and I kinda forgot what the whole plot was.. *sweatdrop anime style*
I honestly hope I remember it...

Ja!! :-)

The Beach

2011-06-02T12:15:00.000-07:00

Have you ever sat on a beach and stared at the endless ocean while the sun was setting? Or watched the sky, changing colours, as the sun rose? Or just observed the little rain drops, falling off the bright green leaves of the little plants?

Eh… what am I saying? Of course you have seen this! And if you haven’t, buddy you’ve missed the most amazing feeling in the world.

Looking at the water, just flowing, and the waves gently hitting you, they bring new hope and dreams in your life. They bring joy and take back with them all your pain and sorrow. They leave you with nothing but contentment and inner peace.

It’s better than meditating, honestly! You don’t even have to make an effort to clear your mind of the all the things you think about 24/7. It just goes away… like it was never there in the first place! It really is amazing. You don’t realize how the time flows and minutes turn into hours.

And the longer you sit there, the more you become one with the nature, the more clearly you can feel the spirit of the universe.

Once you’ve experienced that, you realize that all your worries, the drama, the tears, the scheming, all of that… so useless… so worthless. You wonder why you’ve wasted and literally killed such precious a privilege, Time.

Once lost, never comes back. That’s my old friend dear time for you! Always on the run, never halting.

He never gets a moment to stop and smell the flowers, to hear the birds sing, to wants the trees grow; the poor chap has no fun in life. He sacrifices all of this, makes himself disposable for us and what do we do? Waste it! Never appreciate it! Always crib that there was too little a time.

Heh! Some level of selfish creatures we are… no gratitude at all. Not for time, not for the nature, not for our parents, siblings and friends.

We are all selfish, and I am no different.

But I’ve realized my mistake, and I’m trying to change, make the most of it.

This may sound crazy (on second thought maybe not all that crazy) but whenever you are faced with a problem, life feels like a mess, don’t know what you are doing in life anymore, try the three things I mentioned first, especially watching the ocean and the sky while the sun rises, believe me, you will get a whole new perceptive on things, on life.

Don’t ever stop living.

Life is a gift. The most beautiful one.

Lost

2011-06-02T11:49:00.000-07:00

She lay there… still, motionless, numb, but still in pain. She could feel something wet on her right cheek.

Voices. She could hear the low frantic whispers of the people around her.

Heat. She could feel the heat. Yes, it was summer. But this heat was not the ordinary. It was like having a fever, so hot, burning her body and her head throbbing.

Confusion. She could now hear the commotion, the people talking loudly, the honking cars zooming past her, the urgent sirens.

“Pak!” Came a loud noise from somewhere. She assumed something had cracked, but she couldn’t see what.

Smoke. There was too much smoke around her. It was choking her. She tried to open her eyes and see something, anything, but the smoke had blurred her vision.

Cold. The heat was cooling down. She could hear the water being splashed all around the place.

Water. Unconsciously, the water reminded her of David. She was aware that she was getting late. She had to hurry up and pick David from his swimming practice. It she were late again, he would be very upset. She didn’t like seeing her nephew upset. Sure he looked extremely adorable while pouting, but she liked him better when he was smiling. He looked so cute. She loved him a lot. She imagined a picture of David smiling at her. And she too smiled.

“Ahh!” but it hurt to move her mouth even this much. Maybe the cut was deeper than she thought.

Pain. There was so much pain. Her whole body ached. She couldn’t even lift her finger without feeling like a heavy boulder was dropped on her. She felt trapped. But she had to get out of there, to David, somehow. If only she could find a way out of this trap.

“David…” she breathed out, with much pain and difficulty.

That was her last conscious thought as she slipped into the never ending abyss of darkness.

PS: This is something I wrote for a class assignment last year... it's one of my writings that I personally like... not matter what other people thought of it.

Boredom

2011-05-22T03:58:00.000-07:00

So that’s your punishment for not getting an internship when you had the chance. You spend your entire summer at home, feeling rotten and useless! And you envy all your friends who are doing SOMETHING productive in life! Besides not having my laptop really sucked! I couldn’t write all those ideas I had then! And when I was actually motivated to write! *sigh*

But come on… I deserved that break okay… working non-stop round the clock for eight months… whew!

I’m really glad for the break. Even though I’m bored for most of the time, there are times when I enjoy too. Like right now, I’m writing… I love this moment. And when I read of just stare at the sky in the night or click weird pictures in the house or my poor attempts to sketch decently; all the boredom seems worth it!

So what do I plan to do now? Hmm… write obviously, now that my laptop’s fixed! (Thanks Superman-ass!)

I have a few ideas, short stories that I want to write. Plus I’ve to work on my portfolio so I need some decently written stories…

I started writing a short story. Wrote the prologue but now I’m wondering where it’s going or is it even going anywhere. If I can’t make it into to full story, I’ll post it here. It’s better than just keeping it in my laptop anyway.

And I suppose I’ll try to draw too.

And yeah… I finally decided… Journalism it is! Don’t ask me why. I don’t know either… I’m just glad I chose something. And it doesn’t make me feel like I’m losing out on something so it’s cool!

Hmm… don’t have much to say… its summer… life is very un-interesting right now.

But results are in three days! I’m excited! I’ll have something to do then!

And college will start soon so no more boredom! And I think the rains are going to come sooner this year… I hope they do!

So… until next time… Ja!

Dream

2011-03-28T05:05:00.000-07:00

We have this unspoken rule at home - every night, after dinner all of us sit in my mom and dad’s room for half an hour and discuss things. How was your day, this happened, that happened, my nephew did this today, business talks or just in general... about life.

The other day, were talking about ambitions and my career goals in life and my dad asked me – What do you do to achieve your dream? Your desire?

I had to think for a moment but then I started ranting out stuff that I thought were important to me in the process of achieving my dream. I told dad -

1. Be extremely sure of what you want. See a clear picture in your head of what you want to achieve.

2. Be passionate about it.

3. Be realistic when you dream or desire to achieve something. And be ready to accept whatever you get as an end result.

4. Be ready to accept failure too.

5. Work towards achieving your dream every day, in whatever little ways you can.

6. Enjoy what you are doing. If you dream of being the most famous super model in the world but don’t like smiling for the flashing cameras, it’s not going to work out.

7. Prioritize. Know what is most important for you. Your dream or someone else’s dream for you.

8. Learn to balance life. With a messed up life, you can achieve nothing... much less a dream.

9. Never let criticism bring you down or bother you. If you know you can do it, don’t care about what other say or think about you. It is most important that you are doing what makes you happy.

10. Accept things for how they are and be ready to face challenges.

11. When you eventually achieve your dream, and it doesn’t turn out to be what you imagined, accept that too. Do not crib. You’ve put in so much hard work for it, learn to love it and live with it. Do not ever regret anything in life.

I told my dad all of this and left the room. I had a nine o’clock lecture the next morning so I wanted to get some proper sleep. But as I was about to sleep, I was struck with another thought, another insight.

I rushed back to my dad’s room before I forgot and told him, “Dad, another very important thing in life is that when you dream of something and you don’t achieve that dream, you should never be disheartened or lose hope and faith. You should always get up and try again. And if somewhere down the line you’ve realized that this dream isn’t for you, that you may never be able to achieve it, then its okay. Life doesn’t end then. You should never be afraid of dreaming another dream.”

Why BMM?

2011-03-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

So it’s time. Not to make a change (duh!), but to make a decision, which will invariably change my entire life.

It’s the epic question – To do, or not to do. Advertising or Journalism.

I haven’t come across any student of BMM till now who wasn’t faced with this question. Even the ones, who were strongly determined towards Ad or Journo, did have a moment of hesitation and contemplation before choosing their field. The outcome may or may not have been in sync with their expectation but my situation is completely different here.

After my 12th grade board exams, when I decided to take BMM, I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. But boy, was I ever wrong.

Yes, I loved writing and I was so sure that I was going to do journalism but one month of internship after my first year made me realize that journalism is not for me or rather, I’m not for it.

I should have guessed in the beginning itself that a course like this is not going to sort me out, it’ll make things more complicated. With this butterfly like mind of mine, I usually cannot focus on one thing for a very long time.

I used to love photography and aspired to be a wildlife photographer but then I got fascinated by psychology in junior college and I wanted to become a child psychologist, photography completely forgotten. Meanwhile, I discovered my love for writing. And not just that, I was pretty decent at that. So a major in English literature was the aim of my life.

And then came the stupid career aptitude test which ruined me! It said I should do BMM and major in journalism because I’m best suited for that.

I weighed my options carefully, psychology or writing. I knew writing was something I could never give up, it had become a part of me. And if I did study psychology, I may just lose interest during the course if I’m forced to mug up the concepts for the exam. It was too fascinating and I couldn’t bring myself to even imagine myself hating it. So then I was left with English Lit and BMM. What to do? What to do?

Again, I thought rationally. Major in English literature wasn’t my cup of tea. Plus BMM would give me a scope of creative writing and all too. So I closed my eyes, trusted my instincts and took the leap, without knowing what was in store for me.

Surprisingly, I’d forgotten about photography completely.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about BMM. I’m really glad I took up the course. I’ve met the most fascinating and amazing people in my life and I’ve learnt so much, experienced so much. I’ve changed so much too. It’s been a good experience, a good learning process.

But, (there is always a ‘but’), after my first year in BMM, my inclination towards journalism started dwindling. Not that I had started liking advertising but journalism was okay-okay. My first year also made me realize my goal in life, to become a writer, a novelist, a fiction author and not writing the boring news reports.

And if I thought first year was bad, my second year was made to torment me. As I mentioned earlier, my internship left me with very little interest in journalism.

I was looking forward to the Creative Writing class in the third semester. And it didn’t disappoint me. Yeah and I also got a confirmation that I horribly suck at writing any form of poetry. Another cool thing that happened was, many people realized that they actually write pretty well. They just didn’t know that because they never tried.

So again, I was falling in love with the idea of being a writer, even if not a famous one, I’d write because it made me happy. I didn’t realize the danger in this then, but I do now.

Then at the same time came the subject Understanding Cinema. Everyone was so kicked about this subject and the project, because we had to make an actual 20 minute movie for this. I wasn’t excited at all. I didn’t see the point. But nonetheless, I paired up with my friends (none except one had any clue about film making).

And here came the turning point. While doing the project, I realized that I actually enjoyed it a lot. Creating your own stuff and visualizing it and seeing it come to life. The script writing process, the direction and the camera work was all so fascination. It was just like writing the stories I loved writing, but only this had visuals instead of words.

So now, direction and screenwriting also became a career option for me.

Then the fourth semester came with the subject photography. My very first love, my first passion. Before psychology, before writing. I re-discovered this passion and now I’ve realized that just like writing, I will never be able to let go of photography.

So another thing added to the already long list.

And the fourth semester was supposed to help us choose what to major in, ad or journo, but it hasn’t. Honestly it won’t make much of a difference to me what I choose, because after thinking things through a lot, I know for sure I want to become a writer professionally (be it an author or a screen writer) and a photographer by passion. Direction is still fascinating but I’m not aiming for that right now.

And neither does Advertising nor Journalism help me in becoming the writer I want to be. But just for the sake of it, to choose a major and get the degree over with, I’ll have to make a choice. I don’t have much time left. Journalism is too drag, advertising creative’s is not something I can do. So what do I do? I so wish they had a choice of Film Making, I wouldn’t be this confused then. Because honestly, at this stage, doing BMM and going through graduation in any subject that I’m not remotely interested in, doesn’t make ANY sense to me.

Now with my career choice sorted, I just need to figure out where I’ll fit in more for the degree. Which brings me to my question again, why am I even doing BMM right now? I wish I could quit, do something else... but I can’t. I’ll just have to deal with it. It’s a choice I made two years ago.

I don’t know how writing this has even slightly helped me making my decision but it definitely helped in letting out all my stress and confusion.

So if anyone has any suggestions for me, I’m all ears...

PS: This entry really didn’t come out the way I had planned for it to be, maybe I’ll re-write sometime.

Peace. Finally...

2011-03-18T09:27:00.000-07:00

Uncertainty leads to indecision. Indecision leads to confusion. Confusion leads to complexity. Complexity leads to too many thoughts in the head which finally leads to a massive headache, feeling totally anti-social and just very ‘blah’ about everything.

I don’t know if anyone else out there has felt the same, but this happens to me a lot. And amidst everything that is bothering me, I try to find a balance, a common ground where both my heart and head are happy; I try to find peace.

I was going through that ‘blah’ phase in life a few days ago, but now I think I’ve finally managed to find peace within myself. Others may not like my decisions, criticize me for it, but I’m honestly being selfish this time because for a very long time I haven’t truly done anything for myself; not done things that make me happy. So I’ve put my foot down, said screw everything, and did what I wanted to. And honestly, it has made a difference. It makes me feel happy. I’m doing what I want. And I love that feeling of peace and contentment. And even though the peace isn’t there completely, hundred percent, I think I have successfully embarked upon the journey of finding that peace.

I’m not sure what the consequences of my actions are going to be and frankly, at this stage, I don’t really care. As long as I’m happy and I can stick to my resolution, I’m ready to face anything. It may sound really arrogant, but coming from where I am right now, anyone would feel the same.

And remember the two minds confusion I was talking about. I’m glad I managed to find a middle ground for that and made up my mind. Working towards solving inner conflicts really helps clearing the mind. And honestly it helps me a lot to think straight and think things rationally.

And another thing, venting out frustrating in the form of writing about it really helps me. There have so many instances when I started writing in the Microsoft Word Document about something and by the time I finished, I felt so peaceful and I could let it all out, I didn’t feel the need to publish my entry in the blog.

But, as I am doing with this entry, I will make sure come back to it, edit it and actually post it. It’s a part of my resolution so I’m trying my best to keep it.

Until text time people...

“I’m always confused about what to answer because I don’t which one is longer, always or forever...”

Two Minds’

2011-03-14T11:39:00.000-07:00

Have you ever tried out the “God wants you to know” application on Facebook? For the lack of proper words to use, the application is ‘damn cool!’ and it is so freakishly accurate. It gives you answers to just the problem you were trying to solve. At least it works for me...

My today’s advice from God said that I should learn to say NO. Only when I can say no, will I be able to say YES to things whole heartedly. And it really is so true for me, at least in the situation I am right now; where that one word really matters, where it will make all difference in my life.

Have you ever felt like you are stuck between the devil and the Dead Sea? Well fortunately enough, the situation for me isn’t all that bad. But it is difficult all the same. I don’t want to say ‘no’ but I don’t want to say ‘yes’ either. Because saying ‘yes’ will only bring pain, frustration and stress to me. I don’t think I have the strength to deal with another four to five months of that. And saying ‘no’ will mean facing the hurt of losing something very close me, something on which I’ve spent a great amount of time and effort to help build, something that has taught me so much in life.

I’m confused and right now I don’t know what to do. It is the epic battle of the head and the heart. Head says NO, it’s enough, but the heart says YES, go for it!

And I don’t want to say ‘yes’ when I don’t mean it whole heartedly. It just doesn’t make sense. It’s not me to not like something that I’m doing. And it’ll go against my resolution to do something I don’t want to, to pretend and fake interest.

Maybe the uncertain ‘yes’ will become a passionate ‘yes’ in the process, but what if it doesn’t? What if it just brings grief...?

How many times in life have we said YES, hoping that things will get better? And how many times have these YES lead to irrevocable disasters?

Imagine that young woman who said ‘yes’ to her marriage despite the physical abuse. Is she even alive today to go back and say ‘no’?

Or that kid who says the uncertain YES to his friends to swim in the ocean during high tide, but never returns home to say to his mother, “Sorry Mom”

Our lives entirely depend on the choices we make, to go left or right, straight or in circles. And each road has a slightly different destination, so we must choose wisely and choose well.

The choices that we make, not only affect us but also our loved ones and the people around us. That being true, we have to decide for ourselves whether we will always think about what others will feel and base our decisions on that or will we for once, be selfish and think about our self, and our own happiness and do what we like.

Say that NO because you want to, not because you are afraid to try or afraid of what people might think about you. Say that YES because you feel for it, not because you want to fit in, not because it’ll make someone happy. Ask yourself the most important question – Am I happy?

“To be or not to be, that is the question.” – William Shakespeare

Coming Clean...

2011-03-13T12:36:00.000-07:00

“I'm shedding

Shedding every color

Trying to find a pigment of truth

Beneath my skin”

I looked into the mirror and I didn’t recognize what was reflected in it. Was this the same room I’ve lived in for the past 10 years? Was the same bed-sheet that I once loved? Was it the same me? Was I even me?

My brain was processing all this information faster than my heart could accept. What had I done? What has become of me? As tears rolled down my eyes, I tried looking for the answers, but only silence resounded.

I was alone, all alone. No one who would smile, no one who would say “go for it” or “I know you can do it” it was just me, and my pitiful self. I loathed the image that I was forced to face. It stood there all arrogant and haughty; with that stupid smirk on its face that I so badly wanted to slap off! My blood boiled with anger. I didn’t want to look at it anymore; I couldn’t look at it anymore.

I almost took my cell phone and threw it on the mirror to shatter it so that it would go away; the pain would go away.

But as I was about to do it, I remembered two things-

1. My phone was brand new, couldn’t afford to break it. That’s just not me... I value things. Everything. Even if it is a small pin.

2. And Second, I always believed in respecting the honest and taking criticism well and working upon the feedback.

So why did I want to hide now? Why did I not want to see the truth? Was I that much of a coward to not see and accept the truth?

No. This wouldn’t do. Not at all. I told myself again and again to have the strength. If I had to do what I’ve got to do, I will have to face the truth, understand it and work up it.

So through tear stained eyes, I looked again. I was disgusted; the reflection was laughing at me sadistically.

I shut my eyes tight and wished for it to go away. I opened my eyes and checked but it was still there, just the same.

I closed my eyes once more and concentrated. I realized that not God, but it was only I who could make it go away.

This time, more determined, I opened my eyes again and I was glad at what I saw. The reflection was still there... but it looked kind of scared rather than mocking. I realized what had changed; it was my will power, my determination... my hope.

That day, I promised myself that I would never let this hope go. That day, I promised myself to change. I resolved to never lie, to never fake, and to never express to those who are not worth it, never share with people who don’t care. I promised myself to accept the truth that I’m alone and I’d learn to love the loneliness. I promised to follow all my passions and peruse every dream that I ever had – be it of being a teacher to a rock star to a wildlife photographer to a New York Times best-selling author. I’d break all rules and give everything a shot. With or without anyone. And maybe along the way I’d realize that I am after all not alone. It’s just a wishful thinking though. First step to being positive in life!

That day, was the beginning to the third phase of my life and I hope that the change graph, if ever changed hence forth, would only move towards the positive and not slope back to the negative. That day, I promised to come clean.

I’ll tell you about my first two phases, someday... which brought me to this, and back to my love of writing and expressing... but not today. It’s already 1am and I’m too sleepy. Maybe someday, when I’m ready to share, when I’m ready to come clean hundred percent. I might just write a book about it one day, but not now. I’ve just begun the transformation, it’ll take time.

So till then, take care... I hope I’ll write soon. And remember “don’t hate the mirror, for it only says the truth if you want to see it”

“Let the rain fall down

And wake my dreams

Let it wash away

My sanity

'Cause I wanna feel the thunder

I wanna scream

Let the rain fall down

I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean”

Nothing much to say...

2008-11-02T01:24:00.000-07:00

Hmm... i'm done with my exams!! YAY!! i'm so happy for that. I hadn't studied anything in the begining and then last miniute i was studying like a lunatic. I hardly slept those four days of exams. They were complete torture. I mean whoever keeps two papers in the same day!?

Anyways.... so last day of my exams I went bowling with my friends. It was really fun but know I kinda feel sad. Because I think that was the last time all of us were together and had fun. next year, all of us are going to be in different colleges. Some are even going away to another City... I'll really miss them.. not that I won't be able to contact them but stil...

And well my sister is finally getting engaged on the 20th!! well i wish she was getting married not just engaged but..yeah..whatever...

And i'm gonna get my resluts on the 21st...really scaared about that..dunno how i fared in the exams...

Well i'm back to my first love! Writing! makes me really happy!

hmm..i dunno what else to write...i'll write if anything good and exiciting happens okay?

bye-bye :)

Just another day...

2008-08-27T08:25:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! actually I dunno if anyone's even reading this... i don't even care...

Nothing seems to be happening anymore these days... not that I'm not grateful for it but STILL! I mean thing were all so messed up some time back and I just needed to vent out all my frustrations so I created my account here and then just like that...POOF!! All the problems were cleared up! it like joining the blog was some kind of a luck charm... weird, I know...but that's just how my life is...TOTALLY WEIRD!!

but I'm not that weird to actually add to my problems...I mean my Psychology teacher has given us this question-bank of 300 questions to study and she actually expects me to add more questions to it -rolls eyes- what an idiot!

bOriNG!!

2008-08-25T11:25:00.000-07:00

Sigh! I finally completed my assignments and submitted them. Such a relief!

The past few weeks have been so hectic and messed up... so many assignments to complete, homework to do, major class tests, finishing my stories, internet not working, computer conking off, annoying classmate irritating me like hell and my elder sister isn't making my life any better... I'm still wondering how I survived through all this... and with the cold that I have, my nose and head is aching really badly.

My exams are coming up and the fact that I haven't started studying at all only makes it even better (please note the sarcasm)...I mean how much crap can one 's poor brain take?

Okay, I know I'm not the only one going through this, probably 99% of the people of my age are going through this but it feels really good to say it out...

Just an Intorduction...

2008-08-16T09:32:00.000-07:00

Hey there people! This is nothing important, but i just felt like writing it...I get this weird impulses sometimes so after reading this if you think I'm a complete weirdo, i don't blame you! Sometimes even I question my own sanity...

...

I am a big anime fan...Anime addict sort of. But there's a reason for it. I love watching animes for they help me escape reality...even if it is for a limited period of time. Just for some time I can forget that there's a very cruel world out there, which is certainly not meant for me.

It's either that everyone around me seems to be going crazy in the head, or probably it's just me whose lost it...but still, I'd like to believe that somewhere, even if it is almost invisible, there is a ray of hope, a candle of love, that'll burn passionately and one day...enlighten all our hearts...and fill it with only love and happiness...for eternity.

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Wanna know why reality and dreams are opposites? That's 'coz whatever happens in reality is completely the opposite of what you dream...Sometimes its for the better and sometimes for the worse...its up to you to decide which one.

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There is no such thing as coincidence in this world. All that there is Destiny, Fate, Hitsuzen...